hey everyone,

i need to start updating more and commenting more. i havent been myself lately and it honestly sucks.  i have been sick for the past 2 weeks with tonsilitis.  it sucks so bad.  i have had to take antibiotics and they make you soo bloated.  i take my last one today!! yay!  i have put on alot of water weight its weird.  well i havent been taking my adderall and i havent been well enough to workout or eat my safe foods.  i need to get back on track!! asap!! i know i have gained alot of weight and i dont care where its from it just needs to get off!! i didnt realize how much my weight effects how i feel about myself.  if i see bones in the mirror i have all the confidence in the world.  when i wear my size 0 jeans i feel this high that i cant explain.  i need to get back to that in order to get my life back.  i feel so out of control of my life right now.  my main priority is to get this weight off!  im back into my size 2 and 4 pants.  i hate it!!! 

on the plus side i just got a job as a bartender at a classy resturaunt.  the tips there are going to be amazing!! i cant find a job in my field because this fricken economy sucks!  but ill take what i can get at this point.  a friend of mine got this job and im soo thankful that he helped me out!  plus he is hot and him and i will be working together.  hehe

things with my husband are alright.  he is still putting his friends before me and he doesnt see it and i dont think he ever will.  im ashamed to be around his family now because he told his family about my father molesting me when i was younger and he seems to think that i dont want to be with him because of those issues.  he had no right telling anyone about that.  its personal and embarassing.  i feel dirty and he doesnt understand how much something like that can really kill your perception of yourself.  i dont know what to do about him.  its like i love him but the romantic feelings are gone.  he is my security both financially and emotionally.  he has stuck with me through alot of hard times and i feel i owe it to him to stick with him even though im not feeling the way a wife should feel about her husband.  he gives me the lifestyle i want.  the only lifestyle im used to.  i have been always given anything i have ever wanted.  im spoiled and i dont think i can live my life any other way.  he gives me money anytime i want and gives me my own credit card that he pays for.  maybe working again will give me courage that i can make my own money and live off of it.  my husband is also spoiled though.  he works for his dad and their own business and his dad pays him way more than any other employee that works there.  i cant complain but i didnt get a job like that handed to me and it sucks.  he hates that im going to bartend but i mean i dont have parents that can magically give me a great paying job.

i went out to the bar with my best friend and we ended up spending most of the night with the owner of the bar and his friends.  these guys are loaded!!! they are all attorneys but they are much older than i am but they are still attractive.  all of a sudden i find myself wanting to be with older men.  its like i want someone to be a father figure to me because i never got one. 

lately i have been fantasizing about being intimate with women.  i have always been turned on by them but the sexual feelings have really increased.  before i got married i had my first sexual experience with a woman.  it felt amazing!  i have asked my husband if he would be interested in having a threesome with another woman and he does not want to do anything like that.  the girl that i had my first sexual experience with is also my husband's best friend's girlfriend.  her and i are still really good friends.  everytime we get drunk together we end up making out and she tells me that i turn her on more than her boyfriend and she turns me on more than my husband.  we havent done anything sexual since that one time but i would definitely want to.  its hard to now because she lives with her boyfriend and its hard to be alone.  i would rather makeout and go home with her than a man.  am i a bisexual?  all these thoughts going through my head!!

well im done venting...

kt

hey y'all,

im going back to LA tomorrow and i cant wait! i have job interviews lined up and i pray that i get one.  i will be there for 10 days and have to get so many things done while im there.  i plan on going to graduate school there to get a masters in social work.  the classes begin in the fall of 09.  i told my husband that im moving there and i know that he doesnt want to go and that we should just part ways.  i want to remain on good terms with him but i dont think that will happen. 

the last time i was out there i met this guy at a club in hollywood and him and i have been talking everyday since i left LA and that was a month ago.  he seems really sweet and it helps that he isnt from LA and hasnt been corrupted by the LA lifestyle.  he is actually picking me up from the airport and im staying with him so i dont have to pay for a hotel and dont have to deal with my family.  im out there to get shit done and i know my family will be such a distraction.  i also need to find an apartment.  my best friend said she will help move me out there which i appreciate. 

im so scared and excited all at the same time.  im leaving the place where i was born and raised but i know the move will be good for me.  i love the LA lifestyle and have dreamed of moving there for so long.  my little brother moved there a few months ago and if he can do it then so can i.  i plan on getting all of my interviews done within the first few days im there and partying the rest of the time.  my guy friend out there is a blast to party with and he is soo sweet.  i actually stayed with him the last 3 days i was in LA and trust that he isnt some psycho.  but he doesnt know im married and i want it to stay that way.  when i make guy friends and they find out im married they tend to act weird and not talk to me anymore.  i dont want that to happen with him. 

one of my good friends worked for this attorney and he just moved out there and he plans on helping me out with the divorce.  im suppose to have dinner with him when im there to talk about the process and what needs to happen.  plus it doesnt hurt that he is doing it for free.

i have lost alot of weight and people are definitely noticing and are concerned but it makes me feel like im actually getting somewhere.  i lost 10 pounds when i was out in LA last time because i was so busy i didnt even think about eating.  i bought some new interview clothes and the pants are a size 2 and are big on me.  i would have bought a size 0 but they flood on my since im 5'7".  i feel bones and it gives me a high that i cant describe.  i would love to do modeling out there but chances of that are low since that industry is so competitive out there.

things to do before i leave:

workout today and tomorrow

tan today and tomorrow

get LA friend small gift as a thanks for letting me stay with him

buy new suitcase, bra, belt, accessories and emu boots

get my eyebrows done

eat next to nothing!

drink tons of water

print out resumes for interviews

write down interview addresses and apartment addresses for gps

go to walmart for travel size things (shampoo, conditioner, shaving cream, shaver, lotion, toothpaste, etc.)

clean out purse and get smaller purse

well have a great day!

kt